” The Bad little Girl I was” … by Ingrid D. Johnson

I found myself looking at my little girl picture the other day. It brought back a lot of memories and some tears to my eyes.

When I was little girl I was always a dreamer. I always had BIG dreams. I felt anything was possible like most children do. My imagination was unlimited. Mostly because I believed in and loved Jesus (my life), creativity, music, dancing, books, and the joy of true love. I was nine years old. I was so innocent so pure.
Then, childhood sexual abuse happened to me. Not once but twice and I lost my way. I lost myself. My boundaries got distorted. My reflection became ugly, I felt dirty, twisted, ashamed, and lost. I felt like nothing and I hated myself.

I fell into a pit and couldn’t get out. I lost my soul and buried my little girl. Then, I walked around like a ghost … for years. I was dead, thirsty, and beyond hungry for true unconditional love. I was misunderstood, angry, broken, and a lot like ” The Samaritan Woman” at the well in The Bible.

The woman was thirsty & hungry for love, like me. She was misunderstood and lonely. She was judged & condemned by others in her community. She was an outcast and other women looked down on her. In fact, they probably talked about her and all her broken relationships. All because she was searching for love in all the wrong places with all the wrong people and she had made men her everything - her idol above God.

Then, she met Jesus and had a conversation with Him at the community well … that changed her life. He was graceful, gentle, non-judgmental, compassionate, loving and truthful. He understood her problems and He treaded her like His daughter. He loved her soul and told Her that she could be satisfied in Him. He knew her sins but He did not mock her. No, He came to help her. He came to meet her where she was at in life and take her to a new level.

I was a lot like that woman in the way that I idolized men & because of this I had bad relationships with them. I wanted them to fill something only God could fill inside me. I wanted them to love me even though I did not have love or respect for myself. This was impossible. Then, after exploring some other religions … I started reading the Bible and believing what JESUS went through and everything that He did for me. I let His quiet voice inside of me tell me about me without being defensive or putting my mistakes on anyone else. I let Him help me to start forgiving those who hurt me and accepting His forgiveness for all the pain I caused others in my broken down state.

Now … I know that some don’t believe in my Jesus - some don’t believe in God. I know that some don’t take God at His word. I know that some don’t know what to believe in and I can respect that everyone has a right to choose what they want to believe. However, I can’t deny or hide my love for Jesus, who delivered me from being a slave to dysfunction. Jesus who helped me to stop blaming myself for all the childhood sexual abuse, so that I could stop being depressed, overwhelmed with fear, guilt, shame, and broken relationships. Jesus who gave me faith, hope, and love when I had stopped believing in anything good.

Now, thanks to God … my life has changed. I am a dreamer again. I have love & self respect. I have a soul mate who loves me and I know one day soon, God will bless me with bigger opportunities to help others with His wisdom, my life lessons & my various creative gifts, through my company In The Closet Productions … “A voice for The Voiceless”.

I know that God will help me to establish In The Closet Productions with wisdom, integrity, the love & support of others who have been through what I have been through, and people like you who care.

Thank you for reading my newsletter.

May God Bless you & yours.